Monday, September 26, 2011

Selfless or selfish?

Tomorrow, my mom and I board a plane headed for Denver, and on Wednesday I will have my physical. The last time I flew was in 2006, when I went by myself to New Jersey for training related to my job. It was, all in all, a good experience, and I don't expect this experience to be any different. However, I'm still nervous. Not really about the flying or the physical, but more about the logistics. What to pack and not pack. Making sure I make my appointment on time. Those sorts of things.

Tonight, we will have a information session via phone with the donor representative from Be The Match. She'll give me lots of information, and I'll probably have lots of questions. Most of the questions I can answer on my own with the help of Google, but I'm looking forward to talking to the rep anyway.

I'm a little out of sorts today. Not cranky or angry or anything. Here's the deal, and I don't know quite how to explain it, but I'll give it a go.

(Remember when I told you I would be really honest about this process?)

When I first found out I was a possible match, I was excited to tell people, to get people to join the registry. As the donation gets closer, I'm finding it harder to bring it up with people. I still want to tell people about it - very much so - but at the same time, I feel like they might think I'm looking for sympathy, or complements, or that I'm being selfish even bringing it up. I know this sounds crazy, but that's what's going on with me today. I haven't had a negative experience when talking to people - quite the opposite, really - everyone who has talked to me about it is so incredibly nice and complementary and encouraging and positive. And maybe that's the thing. From my perspective, it feels like I'm just doing what I'm supposed to do. It's strange to reconcile my sense of duty in this situation with everyone else's perception of selflessness, generosity and whatnot. I don't want to come across as preachy about bone marrow donation, and I don't want to come across as unappreciative of or ungrateful for support and encouragement - I need and welcome all of it. But the two sides are tugging within me today, and am out of sorts.

So what I have to work on is just being in the moment with this. Letting the good will and positive encouragement from others wash over me, take it in - I am doing a good thing, and it's okay to acknowledge that.

Do you know what I mean? Or am I really just being overly... weird ... on this one?

(this is a cross-post with my not-so-foodie site, Sit. Stay. Good Blog. It’s important, so I want as many people to learn about bone marrow donation as possible.)

1 comment:

  1. Lynn,

    You are spreading the word about an amazingly noble cause; one that needs supporters to save lives. Personal testimony is, I have to imagine, the single most effective way to get others to register. Your donation is saving one life. Your words could save many.