Friday, March 3, 2006

AI - One Had Salad and One Had Pizza

Now it’s time to say goodbye… To all our company… B-R-E—N-N-A…Find a nun-a-reeee!

The Seacrest turned his head slightly to his right, and for a minute, his sideburns remind me of the Wolf man.

Taylor and the Idols come out to perform Love the One You’re With and Brenna looks more like a prostitute than ever as she sings. Bucky does a jazz square and my head almost explodes. Mandisa has lost the sleeves to her pirate shirt – someone find them fast, please!

We are given the rundown of performances over the last two days, and are reminded why some people needed to leave last week. Before we get on with the Schandenfreude for the week, last year’s Idol Carrie Underwood is trotted out to perform some song I’ve never heard since I don’t listen to country music. Carrie’s song reminds me why I don’t venture anywhere near country radio. If the songs aren’t about drinking, or beating someone’s wife, they are about some dude named Jesub. No thanks. At the end of the performance, Carrie turned to the judges, as if she expected to be judged. I was hoping for that, too. Randy would have called her “pitchy” but “a hot one,” Paula would have told her how beautiful she is and called her a “star!” and Simon would have told her she is exactly the kind of person who should win this kind of competition. I have visions of someone dragging the Pickler from off-stage by her hair and placing her side-by-side with Carrie and Simon telling America to vote Pickler. I am grateful this doesn’t really happen.

20 minutes into the show, we get to the point and the Seacrest brings us the bottom three vote-getters. First to make the list is Kinnik. The creepy cowgirl didn’t make America happy. Next is Brenna! YAY! Thank you, America. Last is Heather, which is very, very obvious. Which girl got the least amount of votes and is therefore going home first? It’s America’s Choice to send Brenna back to the gutter! She is modest and humble as she hears her death knell. Or not – actually she plugged some not-yet-made album and talks about how she wants to make money. Got that, America? This bitch wants paid. Her repeat performance of Last Dance is just as horrible as it was two nights ago. Get this clown off my screen.

By the way, Paula is on drugs. Seriously – she is all goofy and high as a fucking kite. I am not being sarcastic – she really is on something. I know this because she actually asked Simon for advice on what to tell Heather and Kinnik regarding their performances, and she repeated said solicited advice. The advice Simon gave her as to why one will go home over the other? "One had salad and one had pizza." Paula is laughing like a mental patient and falling over herself. For someone who is supposed to be the sensitive one in the group, this was a horribly insensitive comment to make to two girls whose Hollywood dreams are likely over. Did Simon spike her Coca-Cola?

Heather is the next to go, and she says she’s grateful to “go home to her goats.” Yeah, right. Everyone is excited to work with goats. Okay, Brenna would fuck a goat for money, but I don’t think Heather has that kind of relationship with her goats. We are treated to another lackluster performance of Hero and I am suddenly missing Heather less than I thought.

Now it’s time for a couple of guys to get out of town. First on the list is Sway. Next is David, who did the most charisma-free Sinatra impression this side of Branson. Third is Kevin, meaning that you people didn’t keep 11-year old girls away from the phones and Will made it through? You douchebags. The person with the lowest number of votes is Sinatra Jr. Look for David on a cruise ship near you.

Our last person to go home tonight is… is it Kevin? Don’t let it be Kevin! He’s just a little doodlebug! Aw… Sway is going home. That’s too bad, too, because Sway seems like a really nice guy who has some talent. But we get another week of Kevin, which means another week of padding between the not-so-good and those that I will truly miss.

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