Friday, February 24, 2006

American Idol - Here Comes the Clown With The Broom

American Idol is hugely entertaining. It tugs at the heartstrings, it makes us laugh, it makes us cry, and it makes us dance on the couch and jump up and cheer when our favorites have a great performance. But as much fun as it is, it is also cruel. Cruelty makes good TV, as they say - we all enjoy what those wacky Germans call Schandenfreude, we all take pleasure in seeing the pain of others. Last night's show was all about Schandenfreude.

First off, the Seacrest tells us that over 40 million votes came in over the past two days. Damn, people. He then goes to talk to the judges, and tonight there are 4 judges: Randy, Paula, Simon, and Paula’s cleavage. Simon and Paula get into it a bit when Paula panders to the contestants by telling them all how great they are, and Simon snaps back with “They’re not all great.” Later, Simon states that he is fairly positive about who will be going home because “we have trained the audience to be music critics.” See? This guy isn’t just a big meanie – he’s also right most of the time.

Next we have all 24 contestants singing the Eagles “Take It Easy.” Some sound great, some sound like their vocal cords are under serious distress. Taylor looks totally out of place as the lone guy with real talent trapped in a high school show choir. Ladies and gentlemen! The North Kansas City Harmonaires – starring Taylor Hicks! Bumbum BUM badabumBUM! And then they all come out singing “Everyday” and the ghost of Kirby Shaw descends from the heavens and crowns Taylor king of the entertainment industry. Okay, that isn’t REALLY what happens. That’s what happens in my head, though, as I fast-forward through commercials (thanks, TiVo!).

After the break, we get recap of both performance shows. My favorite is when I get to hear Taylor sing again. I’m going to savor every moment of him singing in this competition, because soon I’ll have to pay for his songs on iTunes and I always get more enjoyment out of free stuff than stuff I have to pay for. Now it’s time for one of the girls to go home, and let the Schandenfreudefest begin. Brenna’s apparently lost her hair relaxer, because she’s got this afro thing going on. She also makes some comment about being a duck. If it walks like a bitch, and talks like a bitch, it must be a duck. The Seacrest makes the back row of girls stand, and they are all safe. The front row gets a long drawn out rundown of all their songs, and half of that group is safe. Kinnik, Becky and Brenna are told to step forward. And “Brenna…. You….. Will find out with the rest of us………………….. After the break.” Damn you, Seacrest! DAMN YOOOOOOOUUUU!

And… we’re back. The Seacrest continues his slow torture of these three girls by pulling out their fingernails on live TV. Kinnik is told she’s safe. And Becky O’Donohue– is goin’ home. Here comes the most cruel part of the entire American Idol process. This girl has just been dissed in front of millions and millions of people. She’s the first person sent home, she’s a big o’ loser. So what do they make the loser do? She has to perform the song that we all hated so much we sent her home for her performance of it. So there is Schandenfreude all around – we, the audience get to take pleasure in the pain of Miss Becky, and the producers get to take pleasure in the pain of the audience as we are forced to listen to Miss Becky a-fucking-gain. Fuck you, American Idol.

Lather, rinse, and repeat this process three more times, alternating guy, girl, guy. Who get’s the boot?

Buh bye, Bobby Bennett. He sang Barry Manilow for his Gram (Gram? Who the fuck calls their grandma Gram? He should just call her Memaw, but I guess that isn’t an option because Brenna’s head would explode if she heard that because that’s HER special word! WAH! HISS!) Anyway, Bobby’s gone and we’ll see him soon in the Shawnee Mission Playhouse production of Guys and Dolls playing the role of Nathan Detroit.

See you later, Stevie Scott. The beanpole that is out to prove that it isn’t over until the skinny chick sings just didn’t make the cut. Apparently, part of what makes Josh Groban so popular is the fact that a hot guy is singing romantic pop-opera. Hot guy. Not beanpole. Sorry Stevie.

Probably should have shaved, Patrick Hall. You fail at life. No, not really. I am actually surprised that Patrick is going home so soon, but what can I say about it because I don’t vote anyway. Patrick’s final performance proves that he can actually sing and makes several people at home wonder why they voted for Sway and not Patrick. So those people really do fail at life.

No more American Idol until next week. Who knows if I will keep these updates up? Check back and see! My prediction is that as long as Taylor is in the competition, I’ll keep recapping.

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